White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
