I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
