I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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