her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
i believe in u and ur pee
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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