I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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