I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
