kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm bleeding and have questions
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
