You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
