Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
