i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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