I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
