i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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