Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
