the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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