Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
