Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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