Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
