She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
