Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
