never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
