I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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