So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
