WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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