I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
