your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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