When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
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Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
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you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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