chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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