I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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