After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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