Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
