my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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