My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
