they said they heard you say put it in my butt
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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