Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
