Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
