i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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