I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
