1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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