I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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