That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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