Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I love you.
Bad choice
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