you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Is Oprah even human
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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