then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
