I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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