I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
