i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
