I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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