he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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