So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Church boner. Awkwardddd
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
