I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
