she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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