So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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