then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
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Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
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You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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