You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
