Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
