So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
