3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
