Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
