Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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