I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I love having hate sex.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
