ya dads aren't the best wingmen
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
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At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
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Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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