meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
