We're facebook friends in real life
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
